Something Bigger than Me

About 7 years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom and found myself feeling discontent...not with my situation or material blessings, but with the feeling of wanting to do more with my life. I had no idea what that 'thing' might be at the time, but I began praying a prayer....I asked God to do something so big in my life...so big that others would realize that whatever it was could only be done through HIM, and not by myself alone. I had felt this urgency that God had something else for our lives, and I so wanted him to reveal his plan to me.

Fast forward to a year later...my 3 'big' kids were all old enough to be in school, and I went back to teaching at a Christian school. This was a good plan, and I was excited about it, but it still didn't feel like 'it', you know what I mean? I felt purposeful with my days, loved getting to know my students, and appreciated the opportunity to be at the same school my kids were at. It was a pretty good set up, really. I continued praying the same prayer, and wondered if I was just being discontent, or if there really was something else God had for me to do.

We started our first adoption journey in May 2008. At first, it honestly didn't occur to me that this might be a piece of the puzzle to the prayer I had prayed off and on for almost 5 years (I know, I'm a little slow, right?) As we took a step of faith to adopt from Ethiopia, it did feel...well, big. So many questions....what about my job...how will we pay for this...is it fair to our kids to ask them to give things up in order for us to adopt...how will this affect our family...and all of the 'what ifs' that come in an unknown situation. Over time, I did begin to feel like that was our ' big thing'.

And it was. But it was really only the first step in a bigger thing I could never have imagined at the time. (I was never going to be the woman with 7 kids....although I'm so glad I am!) And now that we are in our second adoption, waiting to bring THREE kids home....I will tell you - I know FOR SURE - that this is the big thing I asked God to do through me. This is what the discontent was about...He did have something for us to do, and it took 5 years of asking him to show me what it was - but this is it. And, I'm so grateful.

I still have discontent. I was speaking with a friend today about holy discontent. It's not the kind of discontent that comes from being unhappy with one's circumstances... (Are you kidding me - I just got home from Ethiopia!) I don't want the latest gadget, a new outfit, or a different house. I want to be used. Holy discontent is good, and I want to sit with it and let my heart be open to whatever God has next.

It feels good to have the answer to my prayer many years ago. But I also know it's not the only answer, and it's not the end. There is more for me to do, and I'm keeping my heart open for the next answer...whenever that may come.