I am at peace...and yet I am anxious.
I am confident...and yet I am afraid.
I am excited...and yet I flinch at the changes to come.
I'm attempting to surrender my life...and yet I am selfish.
I am not in control...and yet I try to be.
(Believe me, I've tried this one...not only is it impossible, it's painful to try)
I want you all to understand - this fluctuation of emotions has nothing to do with my desire to be these children's mommy. It's just real. Most of the time, we just focus on the 'I'm so excited to bring my kids home' emotions. But there are also the 'what are we doing to our life' emotions to contend with. The truth is, we are changing everything about our lives. There are many things I am excited for...so many firsts, so many new experiences with our kids, watching them learn and grow, and even comforting their little hearts. However, the unknown is scary and surrender sometimes means letting go of all that is comfortable. Selfishness creeps in and I think of the ways my life will change.
So, I'm busy sorting out my emotions, packing my bags, and praying for embassy clearance. Because I do want my kids to come home. I miss them and want them here - even if it's hard. The emotions, I know are normal. And probably even good. And I know that God will see us through the hard days and bring blessing we can't imagine through it all.
Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.