I find this adoption journey giving me lots of opportunity for growth. I have to be honest....not all of it is welcome, but it is there just the same. I have this inner conflict going on that goes something like this...one moment I am trusting God completely, another I am trying to control things and figure out all the details, time scenarios, finances, etc. in my head.....then I will go back to giving it to God only to take it all back upon myself again. Does anyone else do this? Do you struggle to hand things over to God and then leave them in His lap?
Now, I trust Him, I really do - I just like to have control and before I even realize it I have taken back all or part of what I have trusted Him with. I don't mean to. I like to have a plan and I like to know how things are going to work out. (doesn't everyone?) I have gone over every possible time scenario, a thousand scenarios of how we can make it out of this adoption debt free, and countless possibilities of what it will be like once our baby comes home.
When I try to control things, it only ends in frustration. Honestly, it's only when I bring myself back to God and lay things at His feet that I feel better. It's only when I ask Him to help me remember what brought us to this adoption in the first place - an opportunity to be used by Him, to glorify Him in the process and an opportunity to trust Him for all that we need - that I feel better. As we get further into this process I find myself having to remind myself more and more of the reasons we began this journey in the first place, lest it become about waiting for immigration or worrying about some other detail. Ultimately, this is His adoption and so I will continue to try to truly give all the details to Him and stop pretending that I have any control anyway!