We are waiting for more paperwork in order to bring Samuel home. When they told us it would be 3 months after court before we would probably return to bring him home, I didn't believe them. My heart couldn't imagine waiting 3 months after holding him in my arms before we would be reunited. It was a self preservation technique, I think. Either that or a sanity preservation technique (and the jury may be out on that one anyway!)
Three months is a long time to wait after meeting your child. I know some of you have waited longer and others are wondering what the big deal is. Just take my word for it - it's HARD.
So, as we've waited for this paperwork to be processed, I have put these timelines - MY timelines - on when I think things need to be done. I've figured out in my head a hundred times what needs to happen when, when someone will do their part of the process, what that means for the next step, and ultimately when we will be able to travel. I'm trying to CONTROL something that's out of my control. I am creating my own stress because I am imposing my own plans and trying to control what is out of my control.
When will I learn? When will I stop thinking that my timeline is better?
So, today as I was processing all of this, I realized that a lot of my panic and stress is caused by my own fear that this isn't happening in time to fit my time line. My own expectations are not to be. I don't know about you, but that's never my favorite revelation.
Here's the reality: Samuel is still ours. He's still coming home. He will still be there if we get there a few weeks later. AND he's not waiting for us...he's not sitting in anticipation watching the transition home gates for us to come driving through. Somehow, all of that has brought me peace.
I know God is in control. I know it's all in his timing...although please don't say that to me right now. :) I am re-learning to surrender it all. And I'll probably have to surrender it all again tomorrow.
2 comments:
2 years ago we went through the same thing, waiting to return to bring Belaye home. It's brutal. Prayers help. Then suddenly you are there and you are stepping onto a plane together, and then life changes. Hoping your wait is not too much longer.
I'm so sorry, Kathy. Surrendering control is such a funny thing. Why do we (I'm preaching to me, sister) think that we have control at all? It's such an illusion, and yet we cling to it. *sigh* Sanctification is hard, hard stuff. Praying for your peace.
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