Wrestling

Lately I've been wrestling a bit with God....not because we disagree (how can you disagree with God??:), but because I am trying to make sense of things. Over the past week or so, Nathan and I have been in prayer and discussion about our 'request' for a child in our second adoption. (BTW - I completely and totally hate to refer to it as a request...we are not shopping for a child, but we are trying to discern what direction God wants us to go). Let me explain.....

When we started our homestudy this time around, we agreed to ask for an approval that was wide open. So, we got approved for 1-2 children instead of just 1. At the time we completely felt like it was a wise thing to do because you just never know in international adoption, and if our referral showed up with a sibling or something, we wanted to be prepared. We (I) really didn't have any intention of bringing two children home.

Fast forward to the past week or so and I can tell you we are in a completely different place with this. Apparently, after having some discussion, Nathan was under the impression that we were open to two children once we submitted our homestudy that way. I just thought we were being open just in case. When I found out this is what Nathan was open to, I was a bit taken a back. My initial reaction was to feel overwhelmed.....six kids?? Am I on candid camera? You must be kidding me.

So, for the next several days, I prayed - a lot. And I proceeded to tell God all of the reasons that this doesn't make sense and that I wasn't sure I wanted to be the "crazy adoption lady" with six kids. I mean, those people are weird, right??

So, in the interest of transparency, I will share with you some of my really super-duper great reasons for not adopting two more for a total of six: (don't judge me....I'm just being honest!)

• Like I said, I don't want to be the weird adoption lady. I mean, I think I'm pretty normal. :))
• How will we afford the additional adoption expenses (since we don't really know how we are affording them for one!)
• Grocery bills for a family of eight.
• I want to be able to go on vacation once in a while.
• I like to eat out.
• Do these kids expect to go to college??
• No one will ever invite us over for dinner again.
• WHAT WILL WE DRIVE?
• Will I have to give up my own involvement in ministries I love in order to parent these children well?
• Will I have time to be myself when so many others need me?
• And again....How will we afford all of this and what will we drive?? :)

Super-duper great reasons, right?

None of these reasons seems good enough to allow a child to stay in an orphanage and wait for a family.....so I can go on vacation? so I can eat out? because I may have to give a few things up? I'm pretty sure God does not want me to leave a child behind because they don't fit in my van.

Let me tell you, I have wrestled with these things. Not because I don't want two more and not because I don't want six kids....I actually do. I am actually humbled that our God would entrust me with six precious lives. I am in awe of that.

But, I am selfish. I like to be in control. I never imagined this is what my life would look like. I never thought we would be a family of eight. I don't want to give things up - new clothes, meals out, taking trips, entertainment, and other pleasurable activies. And, I'll be honest - I may have to give some of it up to do adopt one, let alone two. Why do I say that I know this life is not about me, and then live it as if it is?

So, I have prayed. I have talked to other adoptive moms. And I have examined God's heart. I cannot claim to know exactly what God has for us, but I will tell you that God has placed a genuine excitement in me at the thought of adopting two. No, not an emotional response, but a feeling that my heart is in line with His. So, we will move forward with our adoption and wait with anticipation to see His plan unfold. Because here is what I know for sure....our first adoption didn't make any sense (from the world's perspective). Our kids were bigger, I was still teaching, and we really couldn't afford it (so we thought). But through it God was faithful, He provided what we needed and He brought us our sweet Elijah. What if I had missed it.....? What if I had missed it because of my fears and selfishness??

I hear Him whispering....."Do you trust me? do you really trust me? This is not too big for me."

Of course it isn't - I do trust Him and I am excited about this journey He has us on.....one thing I've learned so far - His ways and His plans are always better..... so bring it on!