I have been trying to formulate this post in my mind for the last several days. Trying to find a way to explain the myriad of emotions I have felt since we received our referral. Joy of course, is at the top of the list; as well as gratitude and excitement.
I have stared at these 3 precious pictures we have of our baby for the last 9 days. I know them inside and out. I have fallen completely in love with this little one and I am in awe of how God can weave a child into your heart that you've never seen with your own eyes. Never touched his skin or heard his cry. But he is mine. I feel it in my heart and I know it deep down. I would go to the ends of the earth for this child.
This love I already feel is a gift. It makes me excited beyond words for the day I can hop on a plane and go hold him for myself. (so far, I haven't so much been looking forward to the travel - now I can't wait!) It makes it so fun to plan for his arrival, buy his little clothes, pray for him, and dream about the day he comes home and sleeps in the room we've prepared for him.
It also makes it hard. Hard to look at his little face and miss him. Hard to wonder when exactly we will be able to go get him and wish it could be sooner. Hard to wonder about his well-being and ache to be the one who holds him and kisses him goodnight. Hard for me to think about a court date and hope with everything in me that we will pass in time to go get him before the court closures. I find myself riding a roller coaster of emotions. Excitement and anticipation one moment; nervousness and concern the next.
We have decided to name our little one "Elijah" which means "the Lord is my God". Very fitting, I think. You see, He is the one who will see us through it all - every emotion, every roller coaster, every possible hurdle and joy. And for today, I am trusting in that.